Stuck in Backwards

Why is it that in the past year, the times I stop to evaluate my Spiritual life, I find I am stuck in reverse. Goals, plans, books, anything that I try just doesn't seem to put me in forward motion with the Lord. When I was constantly in ministry with Young Life (and I mean we put any extra part of our lives in this ministry), I felt like the Lord was constantly stretching me to grow and move forward. I was almost forced to seek and search for Him through situations He would put in front of me. I was convicted to hold myself accountable to teach the gals I was ministering to anything I knew about Jesus.

Now this next phase of my life has not been so easy. Granted there weren't easy things about doing "part-time" ministry (plus a full time job), but it just seems that when I am not forced to grow I get stuck moving away. I know that God has me at this point in my life for a reason. Maybe (not maybe...I am sure), He wants me to grow with Him on my own, to make that choice to decide to be with Him instead of a shower, me time, a nap, organizing parts of the house, shopping to finish Spencer's room, etc. I know that He wants my time, I have "preached" this to my Young Life girls...why is it so hard when it isn't demanded of you? Maybe because He wants me to choose Him again.

As Dan and I were driving back from Chicago, I learned that my husband is a very contemplative guy. He has so much driving time on his hands with his business (checking on crews, driving up to control situations, etc) that he has learned how to really listen to songs and books on audio. I have always listened and loved music, but rarely took the time to make it sink in and use it as more than worship but life changing words (it is such a difference, not just listening, but contemplating how these worship words might change your life). We were listening to his new favorite album and I came across this song:

Woah oh take every part of me
Woah oh cause you got everything I need

Now Lord I aint gotta whole lot to give
But what I have it's all yours in every single bit
Cuz you're the source of my peace the reason that I live
You're what I'm living for and what I mean to say is this
Take my life right down to every little thing
It aint much but right in now every thing I bring
I give it all to you cuz I've found just when I think
About all you do I'll follow you in everything
I call on you man you always do just what you said
You make me new and take me through to a place of rest
And when these stressed out thoughts be running through my head
You just remind me how far I've come and where I been
And as I thinking about every single thing you did
And looking back upon where I was when I's a kid
All I can say is take every thing I gots to give
It's all yours Lord and all I say is this

Woah oh take every part of me
Woah oh cause you got everything I need

Now Lord I've held back in my past
Held onto certain things I didn't want you to have
Tried to do it my own way and then watched it crash
Tried to make it through my day but never tried to ask
Where I'm supposed to go what I'm supposed to do
But yet you still right there just to bring me through
But now I've figured out exactly what I'm gonna do
This time around I won't hold a thing back from you
From big to small I put it all now in your hands
Cause when I fall you pick me up time and time again
You dust me off and tell me just to try again
I know everything you got purpose and a plan
So what I bring to you it's everything that I've had
I want to give to you everything that I can
I want to live for you cuz I finally understand
All I need to do is finally give you everything

Woah oh take every part of me
Woah oh cause you got everything I need

*KJ-52, Take Every Part of Me