As I was wrestling and talking it out, our pastor suggested writing a "psalm". I have to be honest, it hit me as the cheesiest idea I had heard and brushed it off. Until one night I felt as if I couldn't shake my feeling of bitterness. I couldn't help but open my notes app and start writing. Here is what came out:
Psalms of Annie 1:1
So, I know deep down in my soul you are incredibly powerful. I know deep down in my soul that you have amazing, amazing, life changing ways.
I know God you want me to be deeply connected to you. To be intentional dependent on you. To be undoubtedly, instinctually crying out to you, desiring your will at every turn.
God I know I want that. I know just a speck of what that would mean in my life...in our relationship. Do I desire that? What would it look like to desire that?
God, I fall short. I plan. I react. I think. I speak. I get angry. I feel offended. All without you. All without seeking you. All without waiting for your direction. Why? Don't I really get why my deep desires and my quick-witted actions are so opposite.
I am thankful for that pastor who spoke that "cheesy" idea. I think I may continue my Psalms and may I suggest you try it?
*I am not trying to add to the Bible. Just recognizing David was a man, incredible and incredibly flawed man, who wrote and sang to God. Just doing the same.