Saturday, June 12, 2010

Trial Without the Blessing

*From May-ish
God is so powerful. I have been learning through BSF that God is just unfathomable (we cannot fully comprehend His love, compassion, or even His plans in our lives). He has created me, my family, my life, my husband, his job, etc. all for His glory. Now, I am not saying that I, my family, my husbands business, or anything else are amazing and are going to glorify God by the positives they bring into the world. Actually quite the opposite...they will glorify Him through the trials that come in our lives. A statement hit me hard a few weeks ago and it has brought me into a calming mood about the "little things" in life (I'll give it to you at the end of this post).

Since the day I married my husband I knew he as a wild card. Actually, that was one of the things that attracted me to him...we were opposite. But there were always "plans" of him going to college and settling down with a 9-5 job that would provide for our every need. Boy did God know that wasn't in the cards. After him going to one sememster of college (and us both realizing he WASN'T called to be a student) he went back to work in the drilling industry. We were in limbo for such a long time just asking God what He wanted us to do (go into ministry, keep working in construction, work up the ladder into a manager position at a retail type store, etc.). Finally in 2007, after I figured out I was pregnant and had just quit my job to go back to get my Masters, Dan annoucned to me that he wanted to start a company. Every bit of logic inside of me screamed NO, NO, NO...however I had this overwhelming sense of peace about it and the Lord just told me to follow Dan's lead. I felt like I was a very supportive wife, but as I look back, I was also his biggest adversary because life was never stable. In fact our friends Ryan and Tara were more supportive and believed in Dan more than I did (I can look back and admit it). Lately God has been teaching me about the kind of wife I need to be to my husband. About the attitude I need to have while I am with him and when I am not with him (I admit, when he is not around or can't put his full attention toward our family, I get very upset and then let that affect the way I treat him). It is easy for me to say that I need to be strong and postitive through major trials that come up in my life, but the Lord has brought me to a place where I desire to look at the ordinary trials (the daily ins and outs that can create larger trials) and know that He will bring glory through them. I desire to look at what ever the future brings (good, bad, ugly, or "normal") and say the same. I know that the Lord gave me that "wierd" (what seemed to be wierd at the time) sense of peace about my husband starting a company, because He desired to show me a little bit of Himself through the situations that have presented themselves (both good and bad). It may not be the most stable job or always provide for us...but I know that God wants me to look at each obstical through his eyes, seeing the blessing at the end of the small and large trials.

Along with owning a business comes the many ups and downs of that business. I HATE that. I am a stable person, that likes having a stable income and knowing that my husband is going to be home at night. It is actually quite the opposite with my husbands company. I never know if there is going to be steady work, if he is going to be working 8 hours away, or if he will be home in time to put Marissa to bed. I have struggled with that since August 1st of 2007 when they left to Idaho. Through it all I have tried to be positive...being very unsuccesful (thinking I was being postive...but actually being very negative). Lately with the downturn in the economy and the uncertainty that faces so many businesses it is hard to know when things will pick up. We have some good things going for us, but it is hard to see the light at the end of this crazy tunnel. I don't know where we will be financially or physically (whether Dan will have work here in the area or far, far away). Through it all, I look at what we have to face and the plugging away that we have ahead of us and I HAVE A CHOICE. I don't know if God is going to bring us "fortune or misfortune" (I say that not in a finacial tone, but in a spiritual tone) or take us away from where we call home or if He will securely place us where we call home. But I hope that through the best or the worst I can look at my situation and say:

"Do I react to seeming misfortune like it was a blessing in which to give God glory or do I waste the suffering, because I do not use it to experience the glory of God in a new way and what He will do for me in it?" (paraphrase from BSF notes)
"God will work in my life and in then lives of those around me. Without the trial there would not be the particular blessing which that trial is meant to give. When I do not look for a blessing in the trial, the suffering of the trial is often wasted as though it was an effort spent, but with neither profit nor fruit." (paraphrase from BSF notes)

So, from this all...I can say that I am "excited" for the blessing in this trial and to see how God's glory is going to work through it. Trying to keep a positive attitude so that I (and others) can experience God's purpose in the midst. It's just earth, right? There is a place where we won't have to worry about this stuff.

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