Ok, I am not normally the type to get emotional around anyone but close friends or family (unless it is something I am super passionate about...like teenage souls), but the Lord spoke to me tonight, so here it goes:
I am going to be honest here (that is one of Dan's least favorite sayings...he says "why don't you just be honest, why do you have to say your being honest"), being a mom hasn't been the easiest for me. My daughter just turned one and some of you might be thinking "wow, she's had a year to get accustomed to being a mom". Well this last year has been quite the adjustment in my life. I grew up LOVING kids of all ages. I was the one that said that all I wanted to be was a mother...nothing else. I married a man who couldn't wait to have children and more than anything wanted me to be able to stay home and raise them. Having Marissa was one of the greatest moments. I wouldn't say that things changed or that I expected it to be different. I feel like I have just been trying to find my place, find "stuff" to do, fill my time, find others that feel the same way, find encouragement or a deep friendship, find a place to serve, or find something that might confirm that this is what the Lord has called me to do. Tonight, as I couldn't get to sleep, I picked up a book (one my mom gave me that I just brushed off at first) and found this plea that helped me realize what it takes to be a mother and that I am not alone.
"Please, roll up your mothering sleeves and dive in. Give being a mom your heart, your all, your best, your time, your blood, sweat, and tears...and above all, your prayers! Learn all you can. Do all you can. Hang in there. Don't get discouraged. Don't even think about giving up. And pray always!
God has entrusted you with a new generation. And He's also given you all of the grace and strength and power and wisdom and love you will need for ever step and second along the way. Believe it and own it. Never forget--you are a mom after God's own heart. For this you were born." -Elizabeth George, A Mom After God's Own Heart
I read this and felt as if she knew that I can't do it and am confused. She knew that I desire to be the best at what God has called me to do but don't know how. She knew that sometimes I just want to focus my time and attention on other things to distract from the fact that I don't think I can be a good mom. She knew that all I need to do is pray...not just for me, but for my children. She knew that God made me for this moment and has given me what I need for it. Maybe you won't get the same thing out of these two paragraphs that I did, but I hope that they encourage you in some way where you are now, especially if you are a mom.